Ear candles are widely and emphatically denounced by doctors as quackery. When burned, the little tubes of waxed gauze are supposed to create a vacuum effect just outside your ear, with the pressure differential pulling wax out and up into the tube itself. Sounds scientific enough, but it’s basically impossible to find evidence that they actually work. WebMD includes them on their list of “5 Home Remedy No-Nos,” alongside rubbing whiskey on a teething baby’s gums and at-home colon cleansing. Putting a flaming tube in your ear and lying down for 10 minutes — a lot can go wrong, apparently.I believe the doctors. I really do, I swear. I know they’re trying to protect me from injury. And yet late in every summer, a few of my old friends get together at my cabin in Vermont, and after the kids are in bed, we pour some wine and we ear-candle.Most people, when they clean their ears, do so with Q-tips. It seems sensible, but even this most vanilla of ear-cleaning methods is technically an off-label transgression.

The Q-tips website is coy about earwax removal, earnestly offering dozens of absurd alternate Q-tip uses: Perfume application? Care for cuts and scrapes? Cleaning the soles of baby shoes? Turning empty wine bottles into craft projects? When the company finally gets around to acknowledging the basis for the vast majority of its product’s annual sales, it provides stern guidelines: Do not, under any circumstances, put these things into your ear canal. “If used to clean ears, stroke swab gently around the outer surface of the ear only.” And bongs are a great way to rip huge bowls of tobacco.The ear, health care professionals insist, is a fragile, self-sufficient environment that needs no intervention. And yet we can’t seem to stop ourselves from mucking around in there. Most people do so for hygienic purposes, but some of us feel a stronger pull. I’m pretty sure there’s a nerve connection between the inside of my ear canals and the part of my brain that causes me to involuntarily sigh with pleasure.

But this comes with dangers, like impacted wax and damaged ear drums. I figure if all ear-cleaning is technically bad for you, why not have some fun with it? You can find ear candles at most health-food stores in packs of two or four; black and decker vacuum cleaner hoseI prefer the larger sizes, because for me, an ear candle is inherently social. poem about vacuum cleanerFor safety’s sake, it’s best to candle with a buddy who can sit with you while you recline on your side and let the candle burn down. used vacuum cleaners chicagoTo be effective, the package instructs, the candle has to sit snugly in your ear, so your buddy must hold the candle in place to maintain the precarious and fragile point of contact while also making sure no errant bits of burning gauze ignite your hair or furniture.

This requires a light touch, but not too light. Friends in proximity to a burning ear candle tend to slow down. Smartphone screens remain dark. Having your ears candled engenders a state of relaxed focus, both on the flame burning mere inches away from your ear and on your friend’s presence beside you. When one of you is done having your ears candled, you can switch places. Like hair braiding or nail painting, ear candling is a ritual that forces a stillness, a momentary presence of mind that can elude friendships for weeks, if not months, at a time. In the 10 minutes or so it takes for each ear candle to burn, a calm takes hold of the group. For the person candling, the best part is probably the sound of the burning candle heard through the tube: a steady, soothing hiss punctuated by satisfying little pops. Whatever’s going on in there — and the evidence points to “not much” — it sure sounds nice. As the candle burns down, smoke from the smoldering gauze gathers in the tube, gently warming your ear.

Once the candles are doused, we proceed to the Reveal, another reason it’s more interesting to candle with friends. Inside the unraveled gauze you’ll typically find about a thimble’s worth of something crumbly and earwax-colored gathered at the base of the candle. Research has demonstrated that this deposit isn’t earwax at all, but the byproduct of the candle melting into itself. And while I trust the professionals, to be honest, I don’t really care. Simply unraveling the gauze and sharing a collective gasp of exaggerated disgust — because really, earwax is pretty benign when it comes to body effluvia — is a satisfyingly juvenile experience.To me, ear candling occupies a place alongside Reiki, “restorative yoga” and drinking hot toddies when I’m sick: perfectly pleasant experiences with effects that are probably illusory but no less enjoyable as a result. Some scientists are researching whether placebos can be as effective as actual medicine, but I say: Why ask for more from placebos?

If I had a real problem with earwax, I would probably try to see a doctor, or at the very least use one of those little ear-rakes that are popular in Japan. In the meantime I will take my turn resting my head in a friend’s lap, letting the conversation above carry on without me while I tune my ear to a sound that only I can hear.Accidents - Years:Year 1997:24 Accidents - Age:0-5 years old:46 Date: 06/06/2010Age: 19 monthsSex: MaleRace: White Location: Not recordedFire: No fire involvement or fire involvement not recorded Body part: EarDiagnosis: Contusion Or Abrasion 19 MO MALE STANDING ON A VACUUM AND FELL OVER. Disposition: Treated and released or examined and released without treatment Date: 12/13/2009Age: 3 yearsSex: FemaleRace: White Body part: EarDiagnosis: Laceration Product: Vacuum cleaners, Cabinets, racks, room dividers and shelves 3YOF TRIPPED OVER VACUUM CLEANER CORD AND HIT EAR ON WOODEN ENTERTAINME NT CENTER; Date: 05/14/2009Age: 7 yearsSex: FemaleRace: Other

Location: HomeFire: No fire involvement or fire involvement not recorded FALL, HIT EAR ON VACUUM DX: EAR LAC Date: 07/12/2008Age: 31 yearsSex: MaleRace: Not stated in ER record Body part: EarDiagnosis: Other DX HEADACHE/PARESTHESIAS RESOLVED/TINNITUS RESOLVED: NEW EPISODE OF L EAR TINNITUS, R SIDE NUMBNESS W VACUUMING HIS CAR. Date: 07/10/2008Age: 84 yearsSex: MaleRace: Other FELT DIZZY, FELL AGAINST VACUUM CLEANER DX: EAR LAC,CHI Date: 12/15/2006Age: 10 yearsSex: MaleRace: White HIT IN EAR WITH VACUUM CLEANER BY BROTHER @ HOME DX R EAR CONTUSION Date: 06/11/2006Age: 3 yearsSex: MaleRace: Black/African American HIT W/VACUUM CLEANER PART TO EAR, OTITIS MEDIA Date: 03/08/2005Age: 34 yearsSex: MaleRace: Other Product: Vacuum cleaners, Rugs or carpets WHILE VACUUMING CARPET AT HOME BECAME DIZZY DX: OTITIS MEDIA Date: 02/13/2005Age: 8 yearsSex: MaleRace: Other Body part: EarDiagnosis: Puncture PT PUT A VACUUM CLEANER UP TO LEFT EAR SEVERAL DAYS AGO NOW WITH SEVERE PAIN AND DRAINAGE TYMPANIC MEMBRANE RUPTURE